I had a paper due this last week and ended up sick. A wonderful summer cold and cough. Absolutely brutal. So that on top of a good bout of procrastination had me stressed a bit. Not the best combination for my last week of holidays. The paper got finished thankfully.
Many cups of tea helped in a new tea cup.....the message says: A cup of tea just for me.
On top of all this there was Shelby feeling down. Her and I butt heads so completely sometimes. So somehow it comes out that at one point I told her...like apparently years ago, that she should not depend on her friends so much. I can't recall ever really saying this...no doubt it happened in a fit of frustration as I dealt with something else around her care at midnight. I have always encourage her to "make plans" with friends. Always I have tried to accommodate her having friends over...going places with friends...like recently I went to Toronto to assist her while she attended a concert (of course there is a blog post about this in the works). I can only think that I may have said this looking at her moods and depression from my point of view and how utterly exhausting it is to deal with someone who does not have a happy medium approach to life. Having to be in such close proximity with a person that deals with times of depression and anxiety can be draining and I suppose that my worry was she would push friends away if she was at all moody and down as she was around me sometimes. That if she expressed her unhappiness to said friends too much they might find it as overwhelming as I sometimes have and start to pull away from her. I guess I worried if she would have the inner knowledge of where to draw that line were you are just venting to a friend and not becoming a emotion vampire and sucking every ounce of their energy with your issues. I have a tough time as well because I am a happy go lucky kind of person and she can honestly just suck me into her bad mood so easily. I do feel bad if I caused her grief with some off handed remark that obviously has stuck with her. That was not at all my intention and I did tell her this.
It doesn't matter if you are the parent of a special needs child or not....at one point you will sit here as I have on many occasions and just wish you could retire from being a parent. The moms that say this isn't so are lying to you or have not hit that point in motherhood where they are just done. The odd few that never feel that way...well clearly the aliens have got to some of us and not others.
It is up there with that whole being torn at the whole having kids thing. You are not told of how it all will completely change your life before you make that leap. Then you have them and you love them very very much but there is an element, at least for me, where I think had I not known that love but knew the challenge of being a parent, I may not have had children. Knowing all that goes on, all the scenarios that cause parents upset, heartache, stress....ahead of the love for your child could honestly make one chose a childless path.
There are times I want to be void of being a mom to everyone. I am not sure if it has to do with the path a mother takes when her child has special needs. The extra that happens that I have no choice about maybe drives these times when I just wanna say, fuck this shit, I am outta here and board the first plane to somewhere far away. I am not sure because this isn't really a conversation you bring up with other moms. There is somewhat a taboo I think around a mom expressing that, hey you know this all sucks quite a lot. I do think society does not allow moms to love parenting and equally hate it often. If you hate it you must be a terrible person. Let me tell you that I am far from a terrible person. I imagine there are a lot of moms that suffer with guilt from having such feelings. I have no guilt. I love my girls but Lord above there are times they suck the ever loving life out of me. Period.
I like to think that as they get older and venture into their own lives and maybe (unless they read too much of my blog) begin families of their own that the thoughts of jumping on the first jet plane to some warm destination on the other side of the world will disperse. That this is just a stage in the world of being a mother were I need to figure out which stepping stone is my safest route across the rapids of parenthood. You just have to pull up your socks and dust of your frock and move forward and hope to hell you don't get a big huge soaker if you chose the wrong fucking stepping stone!
Obviously knitting makes everything better. I was so happy to have finished this pretty shawl during holidays. I have done this pattern multiple times and love the outcome every time.
I try to remember to slow down and forgive myself for having thoughts of high tailing it outta parenthood. I make sure I remember to spoil myself even if it is just breakfast in the backyard and a few magazines to catch up on.
I enjoyed my break from technology. To be honest I could probably continue along without it all because not blogging and instagramming was not really a big deal. I missed it but didn't miss it. Like an old coat you have to give away. You miss it but you keep warm other ways. I am a person that can fill my time with anything and everything and so times when I may have been blogging or whatnot were times I slept more, knitted more and read more. I can't say I felt it allowed me to connect more with my family and I assume maybe because in the grand scheme of things I feel pretty connected that way and often I cheat my time as opposed to their time to blog...for example going to bed far too late to accomplish blogging, not knitting to accomplish blogging and so forth. Usually I am alone when I do that sort of stuff so it didn't really matter that way. I think my mind enjoyed the blankness that comes without worrying about texting someone back, checking email, browsing social media and blogging. It was kinda nice to fall back into the old school way of doing life. It was quiet and calm. Hopefully I can transition back into the chaos this week and keep some of that quiet and calm!!!